Freakin' Brave

Pixar's new Brave movie was kind of the worst. Okay not the worst. It wasn't Lilo & Stitch, which was the only time I've ever had to pay to take a nap in my life. But Brave didn't have that much to do with, you know, being...brave. I didn't have a picture in my mind of what I thought the plot would be but it was still somehow disappointing.

First, though, let's talk about what I did like. Give me a Disney protagonist with fire engine red hair and corkscrew curls and I'm a happy camper. OR SO I THOUGHT (dun, dun, dun!). I thought that her NAME was going to be Brave, but her name was like Murder or something. I couldn't really understand a lot of the words in the characters' sort of ambiguous, sort of Scottish, sort of Welsh, sort of Northern Irish accents. I thought the Queen's name was Helena for 95% of the film and then I realized it was Eleanor, fair enough mistake. But I thought the main character's name was MURDER. Okay, I just learned right now via IMDB mobile that her name is, in fact, Merida and that the movie is supposed to be in Scotland. Whatever, shut up. Walt [Disney], if your frozen head is reading this blog right now can you call up Pixar with your eyes or telepathy or something and tell them to do a better job next time they write a movie? That'd be swell.

Disney and Pixar rarely, and I mean RARELY as in almost never, make movies where the protagonist is female. And so when I saw the ads for Brave, I was like, "Oh, goodness me! A movie about a girl with wild hair who doesn't want an arranged marriage and can wield a bow and arrow. Finally!" And then I re-read the Hunger Games, and I was like, "AO*EY%(#PH!!! An animated and less depressing Katniss-Everdeen-Girl-(whose hair is)-On-Fire. Aka my dream in life." Right now, again via the IMDB magical-app, I found out the woman who does the voice for Murder was ROWENA RAVENCLAW in HPatDHp2 and Margaret in Boardwalk Empire and is Dolly in the upcoming Anna Karenina. Fine, I like Murder a little bit more now.

But not really because Murder kind of sucked. You think she's going to fight in the games for the hand of the princess (for her own hand) (as in literally taking control of her destiny) (which would have been COOL). But then she follows these little wisps that supposedly lead you to your destiny, and meets a witch who turns her mother into a bear. (?????????????)...(??). I didn't really get that part. I got that she had to figure out that she was being selfish by treating her Queen-Mom like shit and only ever wanting to shoot her arrows. But I guess they couldn't really write a movie about a wild, independent, archery-loving, teen who wants to control her own destiny and then competes in some physical games with arrows. Mostly because of that Suzanne Collins lady. Why bears though? But why male models? In the beginning King-Dad gets his leg bit off by a bear (I won't explain further, SPOILER ALERT!), so the obvious confusion of seeing his wife as a bear would cause a lot of conflict. I guess. They could have done better though.

What I wanted was this red-haired wild-child to do was tell Queen-Mom that being a Queen wasn't about being submissive, or proper, or wearing corsets, or perfecting her manners, and to tell King-Dad that ruling wasn't all about physical battle. Q-M and K-D were seriously flawed characters (which isn't a bad thing! More to learn!): Q-M was obsessed with being perfect and K-D was obsessed with battle and vengeance. So shouldn't Murder's resolution have been to break tradition (which was her eventual resolution, but in a menial way) and say her ascendance to the throne should be supplemented with lessons on how to lead, speak publicly, unite the clans with diplomacy, etc. But instead Murder was like, "Let's let our young people decide who to marry and I'll be on better terms with my parents but still continue living the way I was living: Riding around alone with my BFF Angus-the-horse shootin' stuff." Ugh, the beginning of the film had such PROMISE of a civilized hunger games mixed with a real version of Billy Madison's decathlon.

It was cool that it was void of a love story. We could all all use a few more non-love story movies; but in a world where love stories sell tickets, Pixar didn't really do a good job replacing the love story plot. It was kind of about being good to your family and not turning them into bears, and it was kind of about her friendship with Angus-the-horse, but Disney and Pixar have done a better job in the past not doing the love story and replacing it with friendship or family love. Instead, Murder learns some secrets about the history of the ambiguously anglo-something people, deals with Queen-Mom-Bear being a bear (not to be confused with Manbearpig), and has to make sure King-Dad doesn't kill Man-Bear-Pig-Mom. All of which take more cunning than bravery, and more quick-thinking than courage. Plus Q-M and K-D's characters weren't really resolved. K-D pretty much stayed a fumbling, funny-guy and Q-M backed off Murder's Queen training regimen, which was nice because everyone made up in the end. But, eh whatever. I didn't cry like Toy Story 3 and Up, didn't laugh like A Bug's Life Monsters Inc, didn't rethink life like Wall-e, and I didn't smirk the whole time like Ratatoullie or The Incredibles.

Hey, at least Murder wasn't from the traditionally broken Disney home we've all come to know and love to be confused by. Speaking of broken homes, my most beloved Disney/Pixar broken home family is coming back to the biggest, most intense screen possible (IMAX 3D of course): NEMO. Oh, Finding Nemo, its been 9 long years since I saw you in a movie theater full of 6 year olds and their babysitters one day after my 8th grade soccer game. How I've missed you! I've carried you with me since I entered high school and the world realized I look like Dory, act like Dory, sometimes have the memory of Dory. Finding Nemo: the truly brave story. Shut it, Brave. I'm mad at you.

Please hire me,
Erin